October 15th is pregnancy and infant loss remembrance day. I have talked briefly about my miscarriage on here, and honestly that is about the extent I have talked about it at all.
A due date has come and gone, I made it through the first anniversary. Friends have announced pregnancies, delivered babies. Around me life goes on. For everyone else they have moved on, and why shouldn't they. How can anyone else associate any kind of emotional connect to something they have never seen, felt, touched. Only a few people in my life know about the miscarriage. The responses received when I did tell some one were mixed, hardly ever helpful and made me wish I had kept my mouth shut.
But for me, the grief is still there, gnawing away in the back of my mind.
Sometimes I feel silly for grieving so much. I experienced an "early pregnancy loss". Heck, even the doctor who saw me that day didn't even treat the embryo as a baby. There was talk about bleeding and cells and not much else. Thinking back, I get angry over how she treated me that day, how a little compassion would have gone a long way.
I think I grieve for the "what could have been's". For the child I would never know, for all the firsts I would never get to experience with another baby. I see Alexis playing with other children and I often think what an amazing sister she could be.
The past few weeks have been filled with doctor visits, and have ended with a diagnosis of PCOS. If you aren't familiar with PCOS, symptoms include miscarriage and infertility. It's been a rough week to take all that information in.
So I will just keep plugging away, doing what I can to make it through the day.
Please light a candle tonight at 7pm and say a prayer for all the babies gone to soon and the moms left with empty hearts and empty arms.